Riding alone around the states for 6 weeks has been hard. Several times, I found myself singing – or rather humming since I honestly don’t even know the lyrics of most of the songs I like -, talking alone, calling some drivers idiots or commenting aloud on anything I was looking at.
At one point, I even started talking to the drone pilots. I know, it sounds weird, but after reading a few times, on highways crossing the middle of nowhere, signs like “speed enforced by aircrafts”, I started imagining – like a funny game – traffic officers who would be monitoring speeds using drones or – even better – satellites, and then I assumed they could hear me, so I started talking to them. About the fact I may be speeding, yes, but also about the driver besides me who was going even faster, and then reading his license plate to them… or the ones who were doing dumb and dangerous moves on the road.
Ok, so now that you think I may be seriously challenged mentally, let’s go into the core of this post. Are we alone? And no, I don’t mean to talk about ET’s and other possible bullshit about life in the universe. I mean, are we alone even when people are around us? But let me explain myself…
Sometimes, I feel like what we think is so personal it’s like we can’t share it with anyone, our goals, our vision of life, our feelings, our lack of feelings, our annoyance, our griefs, our abilities and inabilities. Sometimes, it’s like we end just chit-chatting with our friends, family, partners, just because we fear to scare them, we fear to hurt them, we fear they won’t understand.
Sometimes, people can’t understand. Nobody is you, nobody has your life experiences, nobody felt what you felt, nobody feels what you feel, and nobody will ever. People believe that they can understand you or can’t, just because they had a similar or opposite experience. But every experience is unique. And then they judge you. Even “you’re the one who decides” most often means “I would(n’t) do that, but it’s up to you”. It’s like whatever you decide for yourself, it’s never really up to you. People feel like they have their say on something only you own: your own life.
Sometimes I fear telling things to my family because I fear the moment where they will want to give me their opinion. Sometimes, you don’t want an opinion. Sometimes you just want to tell people about facts or feelings, and that’s all, just to free your mind or heart. But then it’s like whatever I do has an impact on them. Whatever I think has an impacts on them. Whatever I feel has an impact on them.
Then sometimes, I feel it’s much easier and simpler to talk with real strangers. I enjoyed that a few times during this trip, talking about everything, not fearing to be judged, not fearing to be understood, not fearing to lose a friend. Just exchanging ideas, opinions, facts.
Most of the conversations I had during this trip where somehow light hearted. I didn’t have to control what I would tell to people, I could be honest, frank. I talked about politics, religion, sex, friendship, partners, family in no particular order. I talked about life, mine, others. It was enjoyable that nobody would judge me. Just because they didn’t know me. It’s so liberating…
And then today, I remembered an editorial I wrote in a journal I was editing for my engineering school as a young adult. The editorial was crude, direct, frank, a bit aggressive, and probably even vulgar. I told my mind. Without self-control. Blindly. And I had to resign from editing the journal on the next day, because the school board felt shocked. Which I did with no regret, letting people go back to their routine of well-behaved, sweet-talking – and possibly highly boring – standards. Obviously, I was not missed as an editor. But I missed it. And I still miss it.
I miss feeling blunt. I miss feeling true to myself. I miss myself. Where did I go…?
Now, the big question: one day, I’ll be dead. Will it make a difference if I was nice or not? People will either remember the good in me, or the bad. That is, some will remember the good, some the bad. Depending on each one’s interests I guess. Let me help you: I am a good person, and I want the best for everyone, even the ones who don’t like me. Now everyone should want the best for me, and that’s simple: that’s what I do, what I want to do, and what I will do, successful or not, because that’s my life. So, good, bad, other, who cares? And I’m not asking for approvals or disapprovals, you can do that with your own life, right? So, let’s stop judging each other, and focus on doing what we know best: deal with our own selves, issues, goals and lives.
How about leaving me alone, for a while…?
